The following story has conversation about abuse, bullying & attempted suicide.
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I am the first American born child of undocumented Mexican immigrants.
Growing up, undocumented people were not open about their status because of the political landscape. This resulted in my mom & dad always being scared of getting caught. So we moved around a lot, 2 or 3 times a year - going to different school each time. I was 8 years old when we moved to Elgin.
Ever since I was young, I'd been identified by my educators as very intelligent & forthcoming with my education. When I was little, we lived in Wauconda. While we were there, I went to a private school on scholarship. That wasn’t the case though when we came to Elgin. My first school here was Garfield Elementary. It was my first time going to school with people that looked like me. It was also my first time meeting Black & Muslim individuals.
It was such a culture shock. Even though I grew up in a Latino household, I had been surrounded by Caucasian people my entire life. My parents saw me being the first American born child (my older brother was also undocumented) & tried to make me as “American” or really as white as possible. They saw me as an opportunity to have the American dream. That meant I only spoke English in the house. I’d do everything in English as much as possible to avoid getting any kind of accent or cause people to see me as Latino. But of course, people always see me as Latino. I needed to be as intelligent because for them intelligence equated to Caucasian which, for my parents, meant acceptance.
So moving here, I had no idea how to engage with kids who looked like me. I didn’t speak Spanish or understand cultural references. I really felt like an outsider. The way school was run back then reinforced the divide. I remember being split up into groups for things like reading & I’d always be with the Caucasian students. I couldn't relate to Latino kids in the way we grew up & the education system separated me from them too.
During that time both my parents started developing substance abuse disorders. Economic stress plays a role into any family, right? And so they started relying on cocaine & methamphetamines & things like that to get through the day. Eventually though it caught up to them. When we couldn’t make rent anymore we’d leave. I got used to leaving & starting over again.
Thankfully Elgin's a huge city, so I was actually able to stay in the district & on an advanced class path as I moved around. It help me develop a lot of adaptability. I had to make new friends every single time, which I was able to do, but it also caused a negative aspect of my life as well. I'm not used to having consistency with people around me, so when I feel even a little bit of trouble coming on I always have an escape route. My current life is very stable, but I still struggle. When something starts to feel like it's being rocky, I think, ‘how do I get out of it?’
The one thing that's always stayed consistent for me as I grew up was education. A classroom always felt like home. I’m grateful to have had educators that believed in me, my potential & helped me work on my strengths, but also helped me improve on my weaknesses. No one else in my family saw education as important. Both my brothers dropped out of high school. So the fact that I even made it past sophomore year was a good sign for me.
The first educator that really stood out to me was Ms. Hardt. She was my sixth grade teacher at Washington Elementary School. I knew Washington was the end for me in elementary school. I knew that after that I was going to middle school & I didn't know where I was going end up.
But I knew that that was the end. I also knew I got to finish something & I had never gotten the opportunity to finish anything. So I got really involved. I was the president of the art club. I was a safety monitor & the president of student government. No one really expected us to do anything, but I remember I was inspired by the movie Mean Girls so we did candy cane grahams for the school. We made $300 for student government. I'm sure they would have been happy if we got $20. Mrs. Hardt was the one that encouraged me along the way. I liked her & always trusted her a lot.
Around this time the school started finding out about my parent's substance abuse & things that were going on in my home. I always felt like she watched out for me while I was there. She would stay after school until like six o'clock when the bus would drop us off at activities & help me out with schoolwork if I needed it. Or she would just helped me engage with students as much as possible. At recess she would bring the new students to me & have me introduce them to everybody & to the clubs & stuff like that.
We’ve kept in touch over social media, she’s invited me to her class to speak to them about overcoming obstacles in your life. She's definitely one of the best people ever.
I came out at 12 years old, in middle school in 2009. My family found out & were accepting of me, so honestly, I really didn't care about what anybody else said. I have a pretty bold & outgoing personality so I decided I was going to be open about this too because I didn’t have that fear & anxiety of rejection from my family. Again, educator really protected me there too. They knew that it was going to be hard for me. There weren’t that many gay kids then & not awareness like there is now.
I remember my friend's parents contacting the school & saying, “I don't want my kid in class Ismael.” Or “If Ismael is going to be in the gym class, I want him to change somewhere else.” Things like that. It was mostly the parents & some teachers that were offended, which didn't help because eventually it rubs off on the kids. I know this because years later, several of the students that bullied me have reached out & apologized & explained how they had been following their parents’ ideas. They believed who I was was wrong so they treated me that way.
I think it takes a really big person to recognize what they did wrong & try to apologize for it. As it turns out, some of them where actually feeling the same way I was & contacted me when they themselves came out to say they were sorry & we were able to forgive one another. Obviously nothing's ever going to change what happened later or change how my thoughts were at the moment, but I do appreciate that there is an addition to the story now that’s much better.
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My freshman year at Larkin my family life started to take a big toll. It had been a while since my dad had cut all ties with us & my mom was struggling as single mother. She believed that she was not complete without a male counterpart so she had a lot of relationships throughout my time in high school. Because she needed someone to help bring in money so we could eat, she put up with a lot of bad behaviors. One boyfriend she had was really uncomfortable with the fact that she had an openly gay kid & would take her & my brothers out & tell them not to bring me. My mom would say, "Oh, he'll come around. Don't worry. Here's some money.” I’d stay home, watch a movie, order a pizza & that became a regular routine. At that time my older & younger brothers were getting involved with gang violence. I felt like an outsider. Like I really, really did not belong.
My freshman year the bullying I had experienced periodically started to intensified to a level that I never had experienced before. I was getting physically abused at school & harassed on social media. One day someone broke into my locker & smeared pink paint all over my stuff & ripped my textbooks, throwing them up & down the hallways.
When I reported it to the deans they told me “There's no cameras there. Do you know who it is?” I told them about a few people harassing me on social media & asked them to look into it. I don’t think they ever did. And they made me pay for new books. It was a lot of money.
It was the first time I felt like I had no support. School had always felt like home, but it wasn’t that way anymore. All the successes & friendships I had previously experienced in my education had disappeared.
Then there was a physical altercation. A kid hit me in class & I hit him back. I got suspended. I felt angry. I had been coming to the school whenever something like that happened & I wanted to know if they had at least been documenting it. That’s when I found out that they hadn’t recorded anything. None of my concerns, none of the harassment that had resulted in physical damage or even things that had been written down on social media. The bullying was getting so intense I didn’t want to come to school. Then I remember a police officer telling me, dead to my face, “Here's the thing, we can not do anything until you become a harm to yourself.”
So what did I do the next day? I try to hurt myself.
I remember going to the fridge, getting a jug of orange juice & taking all the medication that I could find in the bathroom. I sent a text to my closest friend telling them I can't handle this anymore. The next thing I can remember is waking up in the hospital. I see my grandparents looking over me & I'm like, ‘oh damn it didn't work.’ My friend had called the police & they caught me just in time. After that I got hospitalized at a behavioral hospital for a young people. I was there for about a year & a half. I was there a long time because I was really honest with them. I couldn’t guarantee that I won't hurt myself again.
The time in the hospital allowed me to start talking about my family & all the things I had gone thru, including the sexual abuse I had experienced at the hands of close relatives. When I finally told the truth, it caused a giant riff in our family. My relatives started saying that I was using that as an excuse for my behavior & my lifestyle. Thankfully I had my mother who told me, “I believe you.” That moment is why I still have a relationship with her today.
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I moved out when I was 16. My mom’s substance abuse had gotten really bad. She was with a partner that abused her & my brothers were engaging in dangerous behaviors. After my hospitalization I realized that my home should be a place where I feel protected & it was not that. I decided that I was better off on my own.
After I left, I was homeless for two years. I lived in my car before I was able to afford an apartment. I’d park right across the street at a park by Elgin High School or an empty bowling alley. Every once in a while I would go to a friend's house & stay on the couch. We don't talk about it very openly yet youth & homelessness, but we should.
During this time there was actually a lawsuit against the district on my behalf, saying that they (the school/district) should have protected me & did not. A lot came to light. It turns out that there were videos of the different assaults. Kids who had bullied me admitted to their behavior. The school started working on trying to fix things, but I refused to go back there. The district allowed me to transfer to Elgin High School.
All of a sudden, I was immersed into a different setting that was extremely accepting & super loving. I found educators that really believed in me. I was very open about what I was going through & didn’t lie about why I hadn’t been in school for a year & a half. At first people were cautious, but quickly realized that I really liked being there. I quickly joined our speech & debate team & became the co-captain. I wrote a lot about my experiences, about my family & coming out at a young age & dealing with mental health.
I had found an avenue to express myself that was very rewarding. A lot of us really put our hearts & guts out there. Getting a warm reception from everybody felt great. That got me into writing poetry & stuff like that, which I still do for myself.
When I was leaving high school, I really didn't think of myself as a leader. I was a giant social butterfly for sure & just felt like I was close to people who felt on the outside. People came to me because they knew that I understood how it felt not to feel welcomed or acknowledged or validated. I think that what really developed my leadership skills to what they are now is community college. When I went to ECC, I got immersed quickly into leadership roles.
I finished my time at ECC as student body president. I was the first openly gay Latino student to fill that role, which was a big deal. That's where I feel like it really blossomed as a leader. I really understood the organizational structure of leadership & understanding how having a support team is just as important of having a supportive leader. From there I got a full ride scholarship to Eureka College, where I got really involved - again :)
After college my partner & I decided to come back to Elgin. My main goal is to get invested & find avenues to serve & support marginalized people. Currently I am on the policing task force. I'm very hopeful that we'll create something beneficial for our community. Growing up, I was always an LGBT activist because LGBT rights were essential to my wellbeing as a person. Now I think ‘How can I be in tune to my community & hear their needs & advocate to get them fulfilled?’ I hope to use my voice & amplify the voices of others to make our community better for more people.
I don't allow people to take up time in my day, my mind, or my heart that are just going to hurt me. That's a decision that one person has to make for themselves. Now as an adult, I just want to spread love & realize that we can accomplish so many great things together.
Favorite Elgin Spot: Hands down, Festival Park.
Favorite Food Spot: Breakfast Urbano at Dream Hall at 51 and/or Las Gorditas de Don Angel.
Favorite Place to Meet Up: Dream Hall at 51, Wing Park, Festival Park, or downtown Elgin in general.
Favorite Shop: Mama Lee’s Popcorn or a good old fashion, La Michocana, lol. I really enjoy going to the Farmer’s Market during the summer, as well!
Ismael currently lives in Elgin with his partner. He is an award-winning leader and community advocate. Follow him on IG at @coredoughva